Judging While Mexican
By Ludwig Vegas
In the early days of June of this year, Donald Trump said that an Indiana-born American judge had “an absolute conflict” in presiding over his Trump University civil suit because of his “Mexican heritage.” Allow me to extrapolate Trump’s line of thinking here. Is he implying that a Muslim judge should then recuse him or herself as well because Trump is on record saying he wants to ban all Muslims from entering the country? Female judges would have to be out too because he has made what many consider misogynistic comments in the past. Judges with disabilities would have to be excluded as well because he’s mocked at least one reporter with disabilities, Serge Kovaleski. Native Americans need not apply because of Trump’s comments on Pocahontas. Anybody that has an aesthetically unpleasant look (according to Trump): Rand Paul, Carly Fiorina would be out too. Low-energy people (Jeb Bush, Hillary Clinton) are out, and of course those whose father might have been involved with Lee Harvey Oswald would have to be barred from the bench (sorry Ted Cruz). The list could go on and on, narrowing down the pool of judges truly qualified to rule over a Trump case to a miniscule list.
This proposes an interesting predicament for American jurisprudence and perhaps something worth looking into more in depth. If we follow the Republican presumptive candidate’s logic, then how could a white judge ever preside over a black or brown or Asian person’s case? Taking the logic further then how could a male judge ever preside over a case involving a woman or vice-versa? How could an older judge preside over a case involving a younger citizen or juvenile? How could a conservative judge take part in a case involving a liberal defendant?
Using the rationale implied in Trump’s comments, I’d like to request to be judged by a man because women have never understood me, by a guy with an ethnic background identical to mine because other ethnicities may not get my cultural baggage (so white or Mexican or African America need not apply), middle aged like me but preferably my exact age because ageism would be an issue. He’d have to have my sexual orientation, eye color, skin tone and hair. The exact nuances of my accent would be preferable as well. It turns out that after scouting the landscape in search of my perfect match for a judge; only cloning could create the right individual. But then again, cloning would produce a creature identical to me DNA wise, but it would not have the same life experiences as I do. Therefore my clone should be discarded as well. The only solution left is to have me judge my own case because according to Trump’s logic only I can be objective enough on judging me. Great thinking! So, I, hereby, absolve myself of all my sins, find myself not guilty of any pending civil and criminal matters, and pardon myself for any future misdeeds I may commit. I can’t wait until Donald Trump makes this the new rule of law.
I’m sure is going to work out perfectly.